am i abandoning my creative self by going back to school?

I think I'm having an early-adulthood crisis. Also known as: early adulthood.

To preface this post: I know that I have unrealistic expectations for myself as a 19 year old. I think that comparison is both my greatest friend and greatest enemy. It fuels my motivation to be better, but also raises the bar to unreachable heights. When I go on YouTube and fall down the rabbit hole of videos of photographers and videographers, I see 18 year olds going on tour with my favorite bands, shooting full time, with a ton of money in savings, and traveling in their free time.

And then I get totally disheartened when I look at my life - here I am, almost 20 years old, quit college after one semester, living in Brooklyn, working photography only part time and in event service part time where I've met some great friends, and in my free time I explore the city-

Wait. Actually, that's kinda fucking awesome.

How lucky am I that I'm standing at this incredible crossroads in my life? I live in a beautiful city with countless opportunities, and I moved here so young, and I'm shooting for artists that I love, and I've met some wonderful people.

But also, I find myself slowly melting into the identity of "barely employed Bushwick girl who wakes up at noon and sits in a cafe all day writing blog posts". I have SO much free time. Which is honestly totally such a privilege, and I love spending that time going to museums and libraries and wandering around the city. However, I had the realization that I should use this momentum that I have, of being young and excited in a new city, to return to college.

For a while now, I've had this dilemma in my early career path. I can't tell if this country going to shit is motivating me to feel guilty for pursing a career that doesn't really make a helpful difference in my community, or if watching the job market crash is making me feel grateful that I create my own opportunities and mostly work on my own terms. I've toyed with the idea of going into political science, reproductive healthcare accessibility advocacy, public service law, etc. Then I quickly abandoned those ideas, because I'm not actually passionate about the topic, but I like the idea of helping people.

The other day, on one of my "barely employed Bushwick girl" days, I went to the Schwarzman library building, in hopes of browsing their vintage magazine archives. When I walked into the Rose Main Reading Room (if you have not yet experienced this room, come visit me in Brooklyn immediately and I will take you there), I approached one of the lovely ladies at the specialized help desk. I inquired about the collection, and she said that they're stored underground and I need to supply a list of specific issues for them to retrieve. Then she asked me to wait a second while she grabs someone more familiar with the department.

Now, maybe part of the reason I quickly fell in love with the idea of being a librarian/archivist was because the man who walked up to that desk was devastatingly handsome. He was like Nathan Fielder but 10x more graceful and sexy (just trust me on this, guys. Also I maybe caught him leaving the building when his shift ended and then followed him for a couple of blocks building up the courage to ask for his number... But that's a story for another day). But really, I admired how he took the time to sit at the computer with me and help me pick out the titles I wanted, and showed me how to look through the research catalog, and how to request the materials, and he was happy to do it. And the two other people at the desk were pleased to help me too. And then I sat there at the computer and watched as they all excitedly answered anyone else's questions. Helped them use the computer. Found job listings for them. Gave them a refresher on MLA format. And everyone was so grateful that there was someone there to answer their questions.

I think seeing this amount of human connection and curiosity was especially healing knowing the rapidly increasing dependency we have on AI. I mean, to be fair, it's terribly convenient. Sometimes I have annoyingly specific questions that would require going to, unthinkably, the second page of Google, all the while, ChatGPT immediately has the answer for me, phrased in a very consumable and friendly way. However, I think humans were meant to be curious. Don't you miss the days of having a stupid question, debating it with your friends, being forced to sit with your queries until you could ask a knowledgable adult or use the school computer? Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. But whatever, seeing a person have a problem and another person taking the time to solve it was really nice.

So anyways, I'm applying to school to get a BA in art history and then later earn my MLIS (Masters in Library/Information Sciences). I would love to someday work as a librarian in a public library, possibly in an art archives department. I know this might all seem like a super spur-of-the-moment decision, but I'm really excited to fill my time with being in school again. I miss discussing interesting topics with smart people, and being assigned with the task of answering really cool questions, and having some structure in my life. And I'm confident in wanting to return to that.

And for now, I know that photography will always be there for me. I'm still going to shoot shows and music videos and events, and I'll still build my portfolio, and if a band asks me to go on tour with them, maybe I will. But, like I said before, I want to use this momentum that I have to go to college and be able to be fully immersed in the experience.