my constant search for validation - transitioning from social media to blogging

After weeks and weeks of putting this off, I'm finally getting my shit together and publishing my first blog post.

I feel like I am living life in a very performative way at the moment. Everything I do is done with the intention of being perceived by others. Today I was sitting outside of the library on 42nd St, and decided to get off my phone and instead start people-watching. But when I did this, I was thinking, "I wonder if people think I'm cool and mysterious for not being on my phone" or, "She's super cute and so down-to-earth and probably listening to some dope underground music". So instead of enjoying my time watching the tourists make the grave mistake of feeding the Bryant Park pigeons, I was sitting there worrying about what people were thinking of me. All the while, I was sitting in one of the busiest areas of the city, where nobody really has the time or space to notice anyone but themselves.

I think there are a couple of reasons I feel this way. The first being: I'm technically still a teenager. I'll go on to blame this whole phenomenon on social media, but in all honesty, teenagers and young adults throughout history have always been self-conscious fucks. We're trying to figure out where we fit in, and we're trying to meet new people, and we just really really care what other people think about us fragile, developing humans. Especially at 19 in NYC, every interaction and first impression feels like it could be a life-changing opportunity. I could be sitting on the steps of the Met reading James Baldwin and Magdalena Bay's tour manager could come up to me and say "Yo I love Baldwin, also your outfit is super cute and color-coordinated, come be our tour photographer and also let's be best friends". That's how my brain works, along with most other young adults', because we're all very self-involved and have not yet learned that people don't really give a fuck about what we're wearing or what we're reading.

The main issue here is, however, yes, quite, social media. God, honestly, so many things can be blamed on social media now. Like seriously, it's fucking ruining us. But in this case, it's terrible because I catch myself doing fun things with the intent of snapping a pic and posting it to Instagram. I crave the notifications informing me that my cool coworkers or my hometown crush have liked my story, or that someone has left a comment on a post. Whenever I discover a new song, I'll post it to my story, in hopes of someone cool responding with, "No way, you know this song too? That's so cool. Let me take you out to coffee sometime." You know how often that happens? Fucking never. And you know what? I don't seem to care. I just like creating a stupid little post and sending it out into the void for my loyal profiles-on-a-screen to consume and imagine that they are obsessing over my existence.

Like, my mom is coming to town tomorrow and I was thinking about how excited I am to post a selfie of us on my story. I went to a phenomenal punk show the other night and literally as I was standing there in the crowd I was thinking about what caption I was going to use and what videos of the concert I was going to post. I had two friends visit Brooklyn a few days ago and before I met up with them I was thinking about how I couldn't wait to get a photo of us and tag them in a post.

Kinda gross, innit?

So I'm going to do a little experiment: I'll delete Instagram off of my phone, but since I need it for photography work, I'll keep my account and just check it once or twice a day on my computer. Whenever I have that itch to publish a thought and send it into the void, I'll post it here. That way, I know somebody (hopefully) is reading it, but I'm not constantly checking to see who liked and who commented. Instead, if one of you guys likes what I'm writing about, hopefully you'll comment here, or text or call me to talk about it and start a conversation. I feel like Instagram doesn't really have the right space for a meaningful discussion.

Also, I'm super excited to get my mornings back. Instead of waking up at 9 and scrolling until 10:30, maybe now I'll actually get up and make breakfast and start getting to know to my roommates.

Who knows how consistent I'll be with posting here, it's all just an experiment, and none of it really matters anyway. I'm just gonna have fun with it, and hopefully it improves my quality of life a little bit and I can start learning to live life for myself for once.

-Ella